The End Of An Era

2011 draws near. I'm not gonna go with all these bullshit new years resolutions. Hello people, just because the dates changed it doesn't make you narrow minded fucks better people, it makes you worst because you had to wait a whole year to change something vital about yourself, you were just too cowardly to change it there an then.







I'm going to change things right now...






To all of the people who i've been wronged by: I'm not going to stay angry, i'm going to hold my head high and smile.


To all the people i've wronged: I'm sorry, i'm insecure and scared of being hurt, i probably never even had a problem with you, i just have a problem with the world. I need to stop this and chill the fuck out.




i'm going to change something right now...

The Bread And Butterfly

'Crawling at your feet,' said the Gnat (Alice drew her feet back in some alarm), 'you may observe a Bread-and-Butterfly. Its wings are thin slices of Bread-and-butter, its body is a crust, and its head is a lump of sugar.'

'And what does it live on?'
'Weak tea with cream in it.'
A new difficulty came into Alice's head. 'Supposing it couldn't find any?' she suggested.
'Then it would die, of course.'
'But that must happen very often,' Alice remarked thoughtfully.
'It always happens,' said the Gnat...

The Art Of Drug Taking

In society today, there are two kinds of drug takers:

The addicts.

and the recreational users.

I'm certainly not an addict, which leaves me to fall in to the recreational category.

Although i'm not stealing people's valuables and attacking people for money in the street, i'm still frown upon by my peers.

What people don't seem to realise is 'actually just because someone has a good time on drugs, it doesn't nessacerily mean they are bad people'.

I don't keep quiet about my habits, i don't see why i should. People who drink openly discuss it. Why shouldn't i?

Oh shit i forgot the goverments taxing that shit, its okay. It's okay you can poisen your bodies and mind, cost the NHS more money, drink drive, inflict misery on other peoples lives. But hey its okay guys cause the goverments taxing this shit :)

Let me ask you when the fuck did you last see somebody 'high' in a fucking fight?

Oh yes i forgot that never happens. Now how many drunk people do you see fighting?

My point being, why the hell is alcohol legel when it wreaks so much havoc. 

Yet with weed, i mean what fucking havoc could that possible cause? A few slow drivers, whoop-tee-doo the world would benefit if people slowed the fuck down.

Drugs are a gift. They are sacred, look in the bible Moses was brewing 'shroomz' back in the day. 

But admittedly, not all drugs are good. But what the fuck is wrong with weed? it grows naturally its been used for thousands of years, side affects: if your gonna be stupid and sit in a chair and smoke your ass off, joint after joint, well i hate to break it to you mate, your gonna fuck your head up. In moderation its acceptable

people these days believe that drugs are they decay of a society i believe they are only the destruction when they aren't subject of acceptance.

Am i right or am i wrong?
Does amsterdam have the problems we have?

Bloody hell drugs and prostitution is legal there, yet they don't have the problems we do?

If  your so fucking against drugs and don't think drugs have done good things for us, then delete your itunes and burn your CD's, burn your clothes, rip up your books and whatever else because behind this narrow minded fucking curtain some of the most respected people in the world are smoking the shit and influencing what we wear, what we read and the music we listen to.
Still against cannabis? FUCK BOB MARLEY THEN? yerrr cause you can bet by golley when he wrote those songs he was blazed off his tits.
How do you like it now?

I have taken drugs before, will again and … I had a real good time. Didn't murder anybody, didn't rape anybody, didn't rob anybody, didn't beat anybody, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. 

Drugs are a gift people

fuck the law do your own thing and be safe :)

My Love. My Obsession. My Life.

Joseph William Rudd

I'm deeply in love with you.

More than you could ever imagine.
Everytime we kiss, i get butterflies- still even after four months.
Your beautiful in every possible way.

Your eyes, they way they glitter when you look at me.
You're the one. I just know it. I want to spend my life with you. You're my everything. My world. And without you everything would come crashing down. You understand me, something nobody else has every accomplised before. You're always there for me. So yes we have our ups and downs, but thats what makes us, us.
I love our life together. Living with you has been amazing. I love it. I love being able to fall asleep in your arms. And wake up to you in your comatose state. I love going out in the garden late at night for a smoke. I share every inch of myself with you. My mind, my body, my heart, my soul. I love every minute of your company. 

 Words aren't enough to describe this feeling.

I miss you right now. I don't think i've ever wanted anybody this much in my life before...

Your my soul mate. Without you i feel lost. I just don't know what to do with myself. I miss your voice. When we stay up at night chatting endless shit. When you sing its beautiful. I could listen to your forever...
Please be mine for as long as you live? 

I lay awake for hours at a time some night thinking about you, about us, about our life together. I couldn't ask anything more of you. You give me strength baby. On my darkest days your the oxygen keeping me alive. I can't breathe without you. I'd wither and decay. I'm nothing without you. You showed me life again. Brought me out my misery.

Thankyou

I Love You

To the one i loved. I'm sorry but i need to let go.

I've let you control my life for well over a year now, yet i barely speak to you...
well todays the day i let go.
i starved myself for you. Left my friends. Let the drugs you were persistant take run through my blood. Allowed you to sleep around because i was so desperate to be with you. You slept with an underaged girl on the day of christmas 2008 and claimed you loved me still. I allowed you to walk over me like i was some kind of door mat. I needed your comfort. I'd do anything for you. And whats worst, you knew i would...

i thought i'd love you till the day i died.
But then it struck me.
Is this love? Or is it obsession.
You drove me to depression, drove me to hate myself, drove me to several attempts of suicide.
You took advantage of my hung, limp body when i was intoxicated, i trusted you. I still loved you, even after that. I lied awake at night for hours thinking of you.
Let me ask you this, did you once ever think of me? What you were doing?
You make me sick.

You've not only done this to me though have you?
you did it to several others.
Truth is your scared, your scared of what your dad did to you as a child, you can't face the truth that you need help. Instead you inflict your misery and pain on others.

I'm not prepared to mention who this is about.
You know who you are.
I'm sorry your messed up.
I hope your happy. How is it now?
Yes you've got your band and your groupies all those little girls obsessing over you.
But is it really what you want, i did everything for you...
i lost my mum through you.
Do you get the comfort i gave you?
Do they love you like i did?

Thankyou for making me a stronger person.
The saddest part, another years time: You won't even remember my name.
After everything you put me through, all the hurt, i'll never forget you.
Your tattooed in my memory.
Goodbye...

Insominac (Is That Even How Its Spelt)

I can't sleep...

i feel shitty and down...

enough said.

There's A First For Everything.

First Blog :)
I wanted to keep a diary over the summer but decided i couldn't be arsed to write besides this is way cooler.

Over the past few months my life has been turned upside down. My mother has a mental disorder called 'dissasociative identity disorder' and basically she cracked. I had no choice other than to escape the madness and move in with my boyfriend, which slowly tore us apart then smashed us back together.
Truth is without Joe i'm useless, he kind of looks after me in a way, without him im lost. The problem is i've relied on to many people in my life and they all seem to fuck me over. I resent Joe. I hate relying on him. But i know i need looking after.
Truth is i'm scared.
I'm scared of myself.
I fear i'm a sociopath. I'm showing all the signs.
Your probably asking yourself 'what the fuck is that?'.
I'll explain.
All my life my mothers been off the rails. Even on her good days she's not normal. I've seen everything as a child. Even her darkest days. The sucicidal Tendencies. The depression. Everything.
Which means i've seen the way she behaves. How she reacts to certain things. This means i follow her behavior patten. To me its normal.

The causes of antisocial personality disorder are thought to be either genetic or environmental. Children who are influenced by antisocial parents may adopt these tendencies. Similarly, role models such as one's friends or peer group may also influence the behaviour pattern of a sociopath.

I've spent too much time around my mum while she's ill.
i've inherited her behavior patten. 
i read that signs of sociopath include the following...
Visible symptoms include physical aggression- I'm naturally aggressive and always overreact.
May appear friendly and considerate- I come across like this, but once you get to know me, you'll learn to hate me.
Frequently indulge in alcohol or drug use.They may use these substances heavily as a way of heightening their antisocial personality. - I can't drink without taking things too far and i've been a borderline drug addict before and i felt they made me appear more interestig to others.
The sociopath may suffer from low self esteem, and the use of alcohol and drugs is a way to diminish these feelings- True...


I don't know what to do with myself.
Sitting here and worrying about it isn't going to help.
Blah.
Next topic?
I think so :)


Since living with Joe, i've learnt appreciate life more. I see a rose for its beauty, not for its thorns. He's turned my mind.
And my personality.
I want to live in the sixies, Badly.
i want experience hendrix. i want to smoke pot with people who understand the stuff. Rather than in a hotboxed room with metal playing and a bunch of dicks doing it to look hard.
I want that vibe.
i've developed an obsession for retro style charity shop clothes. They look better and i stand out more individually.
I'm going to stop ranting...

because i proper need a fag.
bye bye for now :)